Coping with grief during the holidays

For most people, the sights, sounds and smells of the holiday season bring warm reminders of family, gift giving and the comfort of long held and cherished traditions. But for anyone who is mourning the loss of a loved one - whether recent or long ago  - the season can trigger thoughts of sadness and a desire to withdraw from holiday-themed activities and reminders. As a result, many people look at this time of year as something to endure when in reality it can be a time for evolution into a new chapter of life.

"The holidays are especially hard in grief because they are occasions of great sentiment," says Dr. Bill Hoy, a counsellor with more than 25 years' experience in the field of bereavement. "Everywhere we go we are reminded that someone very special has died and that the world is forever changed. But the holidays can also be a time of healing based on the choices you make this season," he adds.

Dr. Hoy offers the following seven suggestions so that you can grow through the holidays rather than merely survive them:

Admit the pain of grieving: Allow yourself space and to cry when you need to. Coming to the realization that your holidays cannot be the same as before is painful but should be experienced.

Do only as much celebrating as you feel like doing: Don't be tempted to participate in any and every activity that comes your way. Instead remember that grief is very tiring and, combined with normal holiday stress, can leave you exhausted. Give yourself permission to say no.

Evaluate your traditions and create at least one new one: You may not be able to keep all of your traditions as they were before your loss, so decide which family traditions you want to preserve, but take the time to insert something new. Perhaps lighting a special candle or purchasing a unique holiday decoration in memory of your loved one will comfort you.

Consider doing something for others: Nothing feels as good as helping others in need. Whether giving gifts to a deserving family or volunteering time to a local charity, your spirits will be lifted when you start a new tradition of serving others during the holidays.

Take care of yourself: This includes adequate rest, nutrition and moderate exercise based on your abilities and with permission from your physician. Also monitor your consumption of substances that hinder the body's ability to deal with stress, including caffeine, alcohol and processed foods.

Consider the spiritual dimension of your life: Many people are drawn to explore their spiritual well-being and beliefs during the holidays, especially after the loss of a loved one. Worshipping with a community of like-minded believers or talking to your family or clergy about your thoughts can help with healing and growth.

Embrace your memories of past holidays: While this time of year may never be the same, it's good to hold on to happy memories from previous years. Consider gathering your recollections into a book or journal or simply taking time to reminisce over photos or other belongings. Although it may be painful at first, embracing these memories or sharing them with others can be transformative in the healing process.

Dr. William (Bill) Hoy, FT is a counsellor, author, teacher and speaker, specializing in grief and end-of-life care. He lectures across Canada and the United States. You can find other articles and suggestions from Dr. Hoy on dealing with grief at www.selectedfuneralhomes.org